Winter

I'm still in Malaysia but it feels like winter here. Cold and Harsh. Not waking up to the sun this morning left me feeling pretty bleek,and since I dont own a diary,I decided to post this blog... I woke up to the sound of the cat crunching on biscuits, which left me tossing and turning in bed mangled. In the half dead state that I was in, I went online. Thinking about the chat we just had opened a floodgate of bad thoughts which left me in a state of hectic emoness,I felt almost almost non-human.Not a great way to start a Monday morn (please note:It was not due to the hangover).

I lay there with these bad thoughts creeping into my head which were totally uninvited. They all stemmed from something in my past which I really want to forget. I hate the fact that I have a nasty habit of obsessing over these sort of things. These "gatecrashers" or bad memories arrive sooner or later and no matter how much I try to ignore them, I still force myself into trying to find some resolution to their existence.Its exhausting beating myself down with questions I dont have the answers to.

So there I was in bed getting all worked up over things which I hadnt thought of in a very long time. The more I focused them,the more tired I became,but at the same time no matter how hard I tried, I couldnt force myself to roll over into ignorance and get some shut eye.

One usually finds their bed as their comfort zone- warm,snuggly and intimate. But not on this particular morning. The bags under my eyes tell me that living in denial doesnt make these bad thoughts dissapear, or any less menicing and tragic. Theres no cure, no medication that you can take to make them dissapear. Bad thoughts can make life pretty uncomfortable, even my own bed, and they still cause me to wake up on the wrong side of it.